Movies You Aught Not Watch is Nick Rogers’ weekly, alphabetical look back at the 52 worst films of 2000 to 2009.
Tremendous talent is required to render a movie based exclusively on car chases, gunfights and explosions as the decade’s most boring, pathetic action film.
Thai director Kaos’s full imprimatur is Wych Kaosayananda, whose 2002 film (thankfully his last since then) was unwatchable.
There isn’t even joy in credits signifying the merciful conclusion of this film’s unholy concussive assault against your brain — littered as they are with grammatical errors and scrolled over a dopey power ballad.
Antonio Banderas is Jeremiah Ecks, a former FBI agent abiding by the rule that when life goes south, grow unruly bangs and facial hair. Oh yeah, and he’s a drunk, which naturally makes him an obvious pick for the FBI’s Big Assignment — bringing in rogue Agent Sever (Lucy Liu, no doubt glad she’s limited to 10 lines of dialogue). Too cool for a first name, Sever holds the key to a microscopic assassination device.
Backyard battles with green plastic army men were more exciting than gunplay here. And at least the toys had the sense to shut up and not yell things like, “Where is my bloody tactical team?!” Alan McElroy’s writing is so lazy that when foes fight, the only trash they talk is last names — e.g. “Sever.” “Ross.” “Ecks.” “Gant.”
While Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever scrapes furiously at the bottom of the barrel with a plastic fork, it wasn’t worthy of worst-movie-ever status bestowed upon it by Rotten Tomatoes. The decade’s true turkey will be revealed in November.