Movies You Aught Not Watch is Nick Rogers’ weekly, alphabetical look back at the 52 worst films of 2000 to 2009.
Coconut Pete — a blotto Jimmy Buffett knockoff who owns a seaside-resort blend of Sandals and Sybaris — is the only funny gag in 2004’s Broken Lizard’s Club Dread.
But you can get all you need of Pete (Bill Paxton) on YouTube — namely the song “Pina Coladaburg” — allegedly written before Buffett’s “Margaritaville” and containing the line, “Passed out flat on my ass down in Pina Coladaburg.”
As for the rest: Drunkards peeing downhill at an outdoor Buffett show splashed urine on my ankles, and I still find that funnier than anything else in Dread.
The Broken Lizard quintet followed its quintessential cult-comedy classic Super Troopers with something like Ten Little Indians interpreted by five big imbeciles — a slasher parody three Screams and three Scary Movies too late.
Gross-out gags turn calculable enough to predict a character has violated a goat, and attempts at “horror” are more laughable than the “comedy.”
A murderer is picking off Pleasure Island’s staff, but you won’t particularly care to know what Broken Lizard did six summers ago. (Pity co-star Brittany Daniel, as buff as Linda Hamilton in a film so flabby it has stretch marks.)
Those who grouse about the length of Judd Apatow’s comedies should consider there are more laughs in 1/16th of those than in the 104-minute entirety of Dread or 2006’s comparatively masterful Beerfest.
Funny, in all those end-credit outtakes, there’s no apology. The troupe thanks “the good lord,” but you’d be forgiven for questioning why a benevolent deity let them keep making movies.