Movies You Aught Not Watch is Nick Rogers’ weekly, alphabetical look back at the 52 worst films of 2000 to 2009.
Each year, America seems to push at least one film to $100 million or more in a collective cinematic fugue — movies not necessarily bad, but so unremarkable that, as they air at 1 a.m. on USA or Spike, people will be unable to recall seeing them, let alone the plots or conscious decisions to leave the house.
Exhibit A: The $110-million gross of the 2005 remake of Fun with Dick and Jane, easily the most embarrassing project to which Judd Apatow has offered his screenwriting pen. This corporate-greed satire doesn’t just lack bite. (Look! Everyone has the same Beamer!) It lacks gnaw. It even lacks nibble.
Consider it a signed confession of remake rape when a “produced by Jim Carrey” credit appears atop his noodle-limbed exaggeration of “I Believe I Can Fly.”
He’s Dick, a newly appointed corporate stooge who loses his shirt after unfairly taking the fall for his company’s bankruptcy. Deploying her usual overbearing-shrew shtick, Téa Leoni is Jane, his wife, and there’s more marital bonding in the credits of The Jetsons than in this film.
Dick and Jane turn to robbery — the spoils seemingly going toward gender-bending getups. A heist finale attempts to validate these vainglorious bastards when we’d rather see their kid raised by the maid (the only Latin not denigrated by an illegal-alien detour insultingly played for wackiness).
Thoroughly offensive to the point where even a soundtrack snippet from Johnny Cash (who knew true poverty) rankles, you’ll want to be done with Dick and Jane.