Our Star Wars: Weeteef, Weeteef Rocks You

Saw Gerrera. Saw, Saw, Saw. Everybody always goes on about Saw. 

Oooooh, Saw isn’t like all the other Rebels. He’s a Partisan extremist. Oooooh, Saw is played by the first live-action Star Wars performer with an Oscar at the time since Alec Guinness. Oooooh, Saw sucks on oxygen like the Mid Rim’s Frank Booth. Oooooh, Saw talks like he needs 20 Ricolas. Oooooh, Saw has a mind-reading pet named Bor Gullet that was added to Rogue One only after Forest Whitaker made the name up on the fly and everyone felt bad.

Saw Gerrera? That chump can cram it.

Because while Saw is out there siccing tertiary creatures on hapless pilots and bogarting Elijah Price’s haircut, there’s one true meanie Talpini. The piranha who’s on ya. He could make a Mando crap in his hand-o. He says Cyu, wouldn’t wanna be you.

That’s right: We’re talkin’ about Weeteef Cyu-bee.

What’s that? I didn’t hear you. Speak up. “WHO?” Did you say “Wh —” 

WEETEEF CYU-BEE IS ONLY THE BADDEST MAMMA-JAMMA IN THIS PLACE.

GOAT

Look at that minuscule mercenary’s face. If you’re Imperial scum, it’s only the last thing you see before you die.

Probably stitched that jumpsuit himself with a needle and thread, its fabric the flayed flesh of Empire fools dumb enough to front. Your ass could be a new patch for his knees or his elbows — worn out from assaulting Saw’s dumb face.

Weeteef is always strapped, tapped and ready to slap. Melodrama? Hmph. Monologues? Hmph. Weeteef craves not these things. Weeteef is the fire under the Partisans’ asses, the boot on the Empire’s throat. He’s a walking Rage riff.

Lights out, Cyu-bee radio … BLOW THAT SHIT UP.

And when he’s done putting holes in people? Weeteef just chills out back in the shop. Everybody puts their pinkies up when Jyn Erso walks in like she’s the queen. Weeteef’s like, “Oh, hey. Cool. Yeah, I’m gonna get back to fixing this shit Saw broke just trying to turn it on. Hey, was that guy always this stupid?”

I know it’s tough staying awake while Saw waits around for Orson “Lumbergh in a Cape” Krennic to blow his ass up on Jedha. But keep an eye out for ya boy Weeteef next time. He’s only in a few scenes. If you miss him, you can find his picture in the dictionary next to “determination” and “fixation.” Flip forward a few pages and you’ll also find it next to “not fucking around.”

What’s that? Not in your dictionary? GET A BETTER DICTIONARY.

You’re probably thinking, “OK, Rogers: What’s so great about this guy if he died on Jedha along with Saw and everyone else?” 

Joke’s on you, sucka. Death Stars only faze dopes like Saw Gerrera. 

You really think our low-heighted lord and savior didn’t sneak away with some of those kyber crystals to power that getaway ship out of the blast radius? Maybe it’s time for you to BUY A CLUE and maybe a Disney+ subscription for the eventual spinoff series: Weeteef: Bow Down.



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An award-winning film critic and features reporter, Nick has professionally written or gabbed about movies for Illinois newspapers, national syndicates, Playboy, The Art Immortal, The Film Yap and Midwest radio stations. He once drummed in a Billy Joel cover band known as Silly Joel and freely presents his Letterboxd page to engage and mock if you wish: https://letterboxd.com/ragekage79/


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